This week has allowed me to experience every emotion possible. I had an amazing bible study, had a wild bare handing (evangelizing) experience, received backlash for supporting the dignity of life, started a love-hate relationship with physics, and had some very difficult conversations, and lost something that was very true, good, and beautiful.
This lead me to realize there’s one emotion that I do not like to give to Jesus, and that is my mourning heart. Mourning in the world’s eyes can seem selfish, especially if you are carrying this expectation that good Christian is always joyful. I believed this lie. This lie that even though I was at a loss and I was upset, that I needed to get over myself and move on. I tried to reach out to my spiritual director in hopes of her having some whizzed up answer on how to get over myself, only to have an automated email reply saying that she would be on retreat till the end of the month and therefore unavailable. It was then that I realized what I was holding back on.
As I lay there in my room, with tears in my eyes, cried out “Jesus what do you want from me?” Then in an instant, I heard “Mourn with me”. We find ourselves wanting to pretend we are okay, but we are not. We human, and called to act in accordance to that. And I repeat that WE are HUMAN, NOT God. When we lose something true, good, and beautiful, it’s supposed to hurt. We are supposed to mourn a little. We need to remember we are called to live as both flesh and soul, and if we think our feeling and emotions are selfish then we have forgotten that our bodies are good. In prayer, I felt very called to just meditate on the sorrow of Mary. Thinking of Christ’s cold, broken lifeless body being laid in her arms, and hearing her voice pierced to the very depths of my soul. Then I thought had Mary sat there and said here I am Lord, next big fiat let’s go. Would she really be faithful, or would she be selfish? I think the answer is clear. Had Mary not shed a single tear, it would have been selfish, it would have been a shame. To not acknowledge your own heartache before the Lord who knows all, is selfish. You are lying to Him, you are lying to yourself, and you are not glorifying Him in that at all.
So remember this. When Jesus heard that Lazarus was dead, He wept. Even though he knew Lazarus would rise He still wept. So in those sad moments, Jesus weeps with you. And when Jesus saw hardness in people’s hearts, what did he do? He grieved. So when we refuse to mourn the loss of what is true, good, and beautiful, or grieve for the hardness of people’s hearts, we stop acting out of compassion. We stop recognizing the parts of our hearts or the world where Christ has been shut out. We go numb, we stop caring about the loss of unborn children, we stop caring about those who are at rock bottom, those affected by terrorism, even those who don’t know Jesus. If you are not willing to acknowledge your brokenness, how do you expect to realize you need saved. In this world we will experience brokenness, we will see brokenness in others, but remember God’s heart has been broken a billion times….. and why? Because His heart breaks to save yours. God loves you.
“To pray is not to evade reality and the responsibilities it brings, but rather to fully assume them, trusting in the faithful and inexhaustible love of God”Pope Benedict XVI