Looking back at high school and middle school especially, I see a girl who would do anything to be liked, to feel seent, or to feel known. I see a girl who hated fruity gum, but would buy it just to pass it out to other kids, just for the feeling of being wanted. I see a girl who would dress to impress, do sports to be seen, splash on makeup to cover every blemish, and school was the one thig she excelled at so she pushed herself to accept nothing less than perfect. Because you know if your good at school the boys will sit by you in class, but just to copy your answers, but that was enough to feel loved. I thought sticking a bandaid over this gaping whole in my heart to feel loved and known, was going to satisfy me, but bandaids don’t stick forever.
My heart longed for something more, and until I started to get to know who I was in the eyes of my heavenly Father, I was lost. It’s kind of like being sick and the last place you want to go is the doctor, but you know that’s where you should go.Yet somehow the devil has built up this overwhelming fear in you. This fear that you’re too far gone, or that God has no desire to help you, or that if you put yourself out there He’s going to leave you empty handed. Or maybe you’re so fascinated with your sin, and overwhelmed with guilt, and you’re thinking there’s no way you could ever repay Him. And you are right, because the price has already been paid on the cross, and mercy comes free. So stop fixing your eyes on fear and sin, and cast your eyes on Him.
I think we all know what it’s like to go through something painful in life, and feel like God has abandoned us. We look at other happy Christians and think, they must not know what it’s like to be broken, but I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. The best Christians out there are the ones who have been shattered. Look at St. Augustine,St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta, or St. Maximilian Kolbe. Saints who have been broken into millions of pieces, but unlike Humpty Dumpty, these people were put back together, completely restored. By no means were they perfect, these people were sinners and they were broke again, but every single time they placed themselves at God’s feet, and allowed themselves to be resurrected. So often we look to the world to fix our problems, but who could better repair you body and soul, then the very one who created you, the one who formed your inmost being, and knitted you in your mother’s womb?
Turning to God is always the best option, but because we have tried to make ourselves equal with God by eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, we have realized our own nakedness, and we hide with shame. Now sin did not deem us unlovable, but broke our relationship with God. But God looked at us with compassion, and set His only begotten son to die on a cross for us, so that we could be restored, and spend eternity with Him. The only catch is you have to chose it, you have to want it. You have to wake up and realize that in His gaze, and His only, you are fully known. For so long I tried avoiding His gaze. I thought if I stopped going to mass, buried myself within the wrong crowds, and drowned myself in self loathing then I wouldn’t have to face my sin and pain. But nobody can out run God, and I grew weary and tired, and reluctantly found rest in His arms. And it was not an instant fix, it took time to peel back the wounds, but I knew running on broken legs would get me nowhere. But as I’ve let Him in, and let Him touch my wounds, there was not a moment where I felt unknown or unloved. There was and still is pain at times, times of exhaustion, times where I want to give up, but the fruits of dying to oneself to be one with Him, make it all worthwhile. In Him I have found my identity, in Him I have found rest. With Him there will always be storms that try to shake your faith, but with Him as your stronghold, there is no fear of death.