Who is Christ calling me to be?

In the moments where I feel tired and overwhelmed I find myself asking this question. Who is Christ asking me to be? At times I feel torn at the seams. I’m watching teachers cry because they are burned out, my teammates falling asleep at meetings, and I’m standing over the top of 7 year olds trying not to cry because they can not even write a sentence.  Some can not even add basic numbers like 2+2. I feel like on the inside that I am screaming into an empty abyss. It was not until I looked up to Christ and said “Do you see this,” that I found my peace again.

    Gazing back at me in the Eucharist, in the brief time I found this past Friday, He said “I see it all, but did I ever ask you to fix it all?” No He did not, He asked me to be here. To love His children and teach them about Christ. He spoke again saying “Do these kids need you to save them?” It was then I realized why I am here. These kids do not need me to save them.  I don’t need to save these teachers from walking out the door. I do not have to be the savior. They already have a savior, and His name is Jesus. My job is just to show them who He is. I am here to be His hands, His feet, His lips, because He has none but ours. My job is not to keep the teachers from quitting, my job is not to make sure every kid can read at grade level, my job is to love. My job is to make copies, to walk my little runaway back to class, to laugh with my roommates, to teach kids how to pray. And do all these small things out of love. The numbers, the grades, the data, all of that matters to someone, it is important, but to Christ it means nothing. Christ rejoices not in the one who gives the most, but rather the one who gives their all. If all I can do is teach a girl how to pray, or teach another kid 2+2 then that’s enough. I don’t want to be the teacher who drilled them for perfection, but rather loved them where they are at.

    I’ve been telling people if my “favorite” student in the whole school is a student who elopes and gets in trouble for doing the same things over and over, then how much more does God rejoice in me. This student is far from the goal lines, and he’s quite ornery, but I love him so stinking much. I certainly don’t praise his bad behavior, but I don’t hold it against him. He’s literally just a kid, and he’s no longer one of my actual students, so I don’t get anything from it. I will never see his grades, I’ll never get paid for anything, I won’t see him graduate. But I hope one day I will see Him walk through Heaven’s gates. If that’s all he learns from me is how much God loves his reckless soul, then that is more than enough. 

This school is not Catholic, just the after school part it is. But I find it mind blowing how responsive these kids are to the presence of Christ within a servant heart. Most of these kids don’t even go to church. They are however quick to love and forgive, faster than some of the most devout. As I write this I am beginning to realize the abundant love and joy I have failed to see. If I just stop complaining and open my eyes I would see Christ standing right in front of me. Wow. That’s all Christ is asking of me. I am called to love, be loved, and above all be His. Totally, completely, forever.

Totus Tuus

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