To be His Sheep

Honestly just chose this photo because I thought you would click the link if the photo was less boring haha.

This past Sunday was Good Shepherd Sunday and it has me thinking a lot about the relationship between the Shepherd and His flock. Many of the Gospel readings this week have been centered around this theme of Jesus being the shepherd and we are the flock. To give you a snippet of what’s been on my mind I’m going to give a brief summary of the super awesome homily my priest, Fr. Chuck, gave this past Sunday.

My home parish priest was a Nebraska farm boy, so he knows quite a bit about sheep, and he’s a priest so obviously he knows a lot about the theology behind this Gospel. He talked about how during the time of the Jews, the sheep were kept in one common holding pen, with stone walls around it and how the Shepherds would sleep at the gate.And the sheep knew their shepherd by the sound of his voice. Don’t belive me? Look it up. Fr. Chuck also said that if a sheep falls on its back it will suffocate. So that’s why the shepherd’s staff has a hook or what we call a crozier at the end of it. Just like the staff of a pope or bishop, and hold onto that because I’m going ot come back to it . Any ways the shepherd would use the crozier to flip the sheep back over. It made me think how sometimes we suffocate in our own sin and Jesus comes and flips us back over. He flips us over because He loves us so dearly. 

Fr. Chuck described his own experience with catching sheep to be sheered and how the sheep would run, but as soon as you got ahold of them they were calm, they didn’t fight it. And then they would bring the sheep over to be sheered and it would lay their calmly. That’s where we get the saying like a lamb before its shearers.It amazes me how Jesus used this perfect analogy to describe His love for us. Sometimes in life we are scared. We do not know what lies ahead, but the good Lord scoops us up into His bosom, and carries us off to the shearers. Because amidst our thick wool, that has been blemished by sin, He sees us, and knows who we are. He calls us by name, we recognize His voice and we know we are His. He sheers away the wool and the rubbish we have dragged, and looks upon us with tender love and compassion. Then he releases us back into the flock of the faithful community, the Church. 

At the gate post He sleeps and He will lay down His life again and again for the salvation of His flock. Which brings me back to the crozier on the staff of the Pope and Bishops. These are the shepherds He has called to care for His flock. It says it very clearly in the Gospel. Remember? Jesus came to his disciple Peter, His “rock” on which He wanted to build His Church, and tells him tend my Sheep. This role was passed down through apostolic succession and rests in the hands of the Bishops and Pope who have authority of the priests who work as one to protect the flock, and nurture and cleanse them with scripture and the sacraments. They are the ones who sleep at the gate. They are the front of the line! That is why it is so important to pray for them. The devil can climb over the gate and try to steal a few, but he knows he can have the whole flock if he takes down the shepherds. That is why are priests are under constant spiritual battle. I think even more so during times like these, so please keep them in your prayers, and thank God for their beautiful sacrifice. And to all my priest Friends who read this , THANK YOU for all that you do, you have served as a spiritual Father to me and impacted my life and others in countless ways.You are always in my prayers and I mean that sincerely!

Back to the sheep though. Another common practice that was used for run away sheep was to break their legs, and carry them over your shoulders. This seems cruel, but it was what was best for the sheep. A run away sheep is a dead sheep. I firmly belive Jesus does this to us as well. I experienced this in my own conversion, and even though it was hard, and painful, the Good Shepherd carried me. I was the run away, and he broke my legs and carried me intimately close to Him. He did not act out of rage or anger, but rather out of a deep unsurpassable heart of compassion. I think people often overlook or under appreciate Jesus’s words when He describes us as His flock, and uses this analogy to describe a beyond awesome relationship. Seriously, think about it, Jesus was the son of a carpenter, He never tended sheep in His life. But His knowledge of shepherding runs deep, and his understanding of the exact words we truly need to hear, even today, illustrate fully that Jesus is Lord. The one true Messiah, the all knowing, powerful God. The One who has beckoned our hearts. The One whom we should be following whole heartedly. The One who laid down His life for His flock, so that they could have everlasting life. He deserves all of our love, praise and worship. 

Yet so often we fall short of that, we stray away. We think “I’m just one in a billion sheep”. But to Him you are so much more. When you stray He knows it, when you cry out amongst the crowd He hears it, when you have blemishes He cleanses you, when you’re broken He heals, and if you’re pride is too big He will break it, for nothing shall separate us from the love of the Father. He is the Good Shepherd. He knows it all, sees over all and endures every pain. He knows that when they strike the shepherd the flock will scatter. His flock scattered in His darkest hour, and scattered when Luther nailed the 95 thesis to His door, and when bombs were dropped, scandals were revealed, and when air planes crashed through towers, and when a virus shut down the whole world. The sheep scattered. They ran into places of refuge, they cried, they mourned, and Jesus came to them, even with doors locked. He came into their midst and He said “Peace be with You” (John 20:19). The sheep rejoiced at the sound of His voice. For sheep have no home, they are home in the presence of their shepherd. So they rejoice because they know they are home, and that they are going to be okay. They thought everything was lost when they lost their shepherd, but He rose up from the grave, and conquered death for the salvation of His people. And they do not worry about the future, not all, because their one simple task is to follow and to trust that He is indeed the Good Shepherd.

“The Lord is my shepherd there is nothing I shall want”

So be at peace my sweet beloved child. The World may have broken your heart, but they have crucified me. And remember you do not belong to the world, you belong to me. If you thirst for running waters, I will lead you there. If you long for greener pastures, I will lead you there. The earth under your feet has no hold on you and nothing that sprouts up from it shall have govern over you. For indeed you shall see greener pastures, and water that looks pure. But sheep do not follow the world, they follow the shepherd because he knows what is good for them. Wise are the sheep who do not follow other sheep, but rather the shepherd himself, for these sheep will not be scattered. 

Do not forget how deeply He loves you. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are. He looks upon you with great delight, and takes notice to your every move. Even though you may feel broken right now or lost, He is with you. And if you are feeling extra broken, He’s carrying you through. Find rest upon His shoulders, and let your heart be consoled by the sound of His heart beating only inches from yours. And if you’re feeling like a failure in the eyes of the world, remember He never asked for anything more, than to be His sheep.

Much love to you all, let the Holy Spirit rest upon you and your household



Come Fill My Joy

I was really struggling to come up with something heartfelt to write to you all about without trying to cut into my own personal secret garden of my prayer life. These past week has been pretty simple, lots of school work, prayer time, and fellowship with my roommates. I’ve really been trying to keep my heart at peace and just enjoy this time of simplicity and not much to do times. Never have I had the time to eat every meal with my roommates, and go on walks, and call people, so I’ve really started to enjoy it despite the circumstances and the huge itch I have to travel.

I’ve also had a lot of time to read some scripture, and I ‘ve recently read the wedding feast of Cana, and John 21 where our resurrected Lord appears to the disciples and feeds them fish. What stuck out to me is how the Lord not only provided for a lack thereof but He provided it in an overabundance so that their joy might be complete. Like who needs 153 fish, or 150 gallons of wine. Nobody, but God loves you that much. No, He’s not saying get wasted, or be fat, but rather be joyful. And I think God provided a great example of that this week, and it really stuck with me. 

Earlier this week a buddy of mine from NYC face timed me, and his brother was with him. They were outside getting some fresh air (and YES still minding their social distance, so hop off.) His brother’s name is Paul, and Paul has autism, so all of this chaos has messed up his routine, and canceled a lot of his plans, yet Paul was the most joyful face I had seen in a long time. This man was just so happy to be outside walking on Staten Island’s beautiful boardwalk, listening to his music on his CD player, not a care in the world. He doesn’t understand this corona virus or why he can not go do the normal things he does, and why there are all these rules that were not there before, and I’m sure he’s had his moments, but he doesn’t let it ruin his day. He dusts it off and moves forward with the smile that all of NYC needs to see (from the comfort of home of course) because a smile like that is contagious. 

I know a lot of you out there are frustrated, sad, bored, annoyed, ready to just break free, but Jesus has so much He wants to give you right now. Right in this very moment, but you are far too focused on the big change, we want the doors to swing wide open, but there’s a reason that God has us in this place right now. Do I know why? No. But do I trust him anyway? Absolutely. We need to be like my buddy Paul, and even though we don’t understand, we have to keep seeking that joy. We have to trust that when someone tells us to quarantine it’s for our own good. And even though we are not always going to get along with those we are living with, and our temper might get the best of us, we are going to forgive, and love others unconditionally.  Live simple, stay hopeful, worry less.

Yeah, I’ve had little quarrels with my roommate for the first time ever, and I really want to go mass, but none of this is worth dumping out my 150 gallons of joy and saying screw it. And if I didn’t bring this point home last week maybe this week, I will….. God has not abandoned you!!

Also, this whole be joyful, forgive, and love unconditionally, is not just a stupid corona thing, it’s an EVERYDAY THING!! And my biggest prayer is that God will give you all the grace to do just that. So we can fulfill the greatest commandment, and be one with Him. Our eyes will be open and we will realize that God is closer to us then we could’ve ever imagined.

So keep looking for God in the little things. Become childlike, and do not leave any stone unturned. Keep on smiling y’all.

Also please email me, text me, call me, and tell me the joy that God has been putting in your life. Who knows maybe it’ll make the blog. But even if it doesn’t I just want y’all to know that everything you guys share with me from your hearts really helps me to know Christ more, and helps me to help others to know Christ….. So I encourage y’all to keep sharing, not only with me but with the world. Tell them the good news, the son of God has risen from the dead……. 

“Be the joy you want to see in the world”

On a final note….Also please, please, please pray for political and religious leaders everywhere. Praying does so much more than complaining, 100% guaranteed. They are under constant stress and criticism, and they don’t need your criticism. Everyone wants to be a critic, but nobody wants to give them the compassion they need. They are human, they aren’t perfect, but they are trying their best. Everyone is trying to back seat drive, but really I don’t think anyone wants to be the one driving. It’s a lot of responsibility, a lot of backlash, and it’s not fun, but choices still need to be made. So pray for them, and be compassionate. Love you all and God bless.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

C.S. Lewis

Ignorance is Bliss

Imagine this. There’s a giant rolling stone, and it’s going to smash millions of people. The people do not see it coming, and by the time they do, it will be too late. You have been told, and are 100% certain that if you can spread the word, and get everyone to move out of the path of destruction, then everyone can be saved. But you decide that it’s much to difficult and nobody is going to listen to you because they can not see the rolling stone. So instead you spend all your time building a giant contraption to stop the rolling stone. Meanwhile, everyone else just keeps on doing whatever makes them happy, and they dance along the path of destruction without a care in the world. Then the big rolling stone comes crashing in, and then boom, your contraption stops it. Everyone is so grateful for you, you saved them. You allowed them to remain where they were within the comfort of their homes, they were not inconvenienced by you ever trying to convince them to believe you. No, you just did your thing, and they did theirs. Wow, what a hero. Then boom your contraption breaks, the stone rolls, and everyone dies. They could’ve been saved, but they weren’t and now it’s too late.

Sad story, but this folks is reality. We live in a world, where there are people who know the absolute Gospel truth but refuse to share it. They rather be loved by the world. They want to be the hero, they want to be the god who stops the whole dang world from turning and somehow saves us all. There are people out there who see God, but refuse to tell anyone, because why would anyone believe in some God that not everyone sees? 

So what do they do? They start making bandages because ignorance is bliss, but eventually the wounds become so big you can’t cover it. I mean take a look around everyone wants to be happy, and so many people claim to have the answer. Oh, you got pregnant at 16? Well here have an abortion. Oh, you’re sad about it now, sorry but could you move along you’re scaring our other patients? Oh, you want to be with your mistress? Here file for divorce, I’m sure your wife won’t mind. Oh, you want to have sex but never have kids? Here’s some medicine. Oh, it failed again, oh well here have an abortion. Quit having sex? No…. pshhh… how could you be chaste and happy? Ha, have all the sex you want. Oh, you feel like you don’t matter, here have this 18 pack, don’t let yourself run sober. Oh, you want to feel loved, well show a little more and don’t be so shy. Oh, he mistreats you? Here’s a book about how to be better in bed. Watch this porn, you’ll feel better. Oh, you want to do this as part of your satanic ritual? Yeah, let’s just make late-term abortion legal, ha freedom of expression am I right? Do what you want, be who you want, even if it comes at the cost of someone else’s freedom and joy. And research, Nah, rest at ease, our media has got your back, they’ll tell you all the truth you need to know. This what our world tries to tell us.

It’s sick, but it’s reality. People in this world trust anything and anyone to make them happy, but nobody wants to do the real work to solve the problem. We figure what they don’t know can’t hurt them. If they are ignorant they can live happily with all the money and bandages the world has to offer. If they stay ignorant, they don’t have to know the truth about the consequences of their actions. We can just keep the warnings in fine print. We don’t want to scare them, we just want them to be happy. Ignorance means they can’t blame us when they get cancer from the medicine we gave them, and they can’t blame us when things go wrong. If they remain ignorant they don’t ever have to know that they are being used. They will never have to know that there’s a God who loves them, who made them for so much more than this. They will never know their true worth, so they will just grow numb to the pain. Then bam their dead and gone, and we all have to face God. The God who loved them.  Then what? Spoiler alert, it’s too late to run to Mars at this point. These are His beloved children and you have kept them in the dark. You refused to be a light to the world, and have allowed many souls to be handed over to evil.

We are called to be a light to the world. We cannot stop people from dying, and perfect happiness is not obtainable in this world. For some even if you tell them the truth they are going to quite literally spit in your face. The world will hate you, but to be a true disciple we are called to deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow Him. We need to rip off these band-aids of today’s society and let God heal our gaping wounds. There is so much evil going on in this world and it becomes completely blanketed by our rummaging for worldly pleasure and happiness. Don’t believe me, look up some up the sick satanic rituals out there (beware though, that its disgusting, and not for the faint of heart to read). But seriously though, do not be selfish. Don’t try to be a hero, because this World already has one and His name is Jesus Christ. But go ahead and spread the message, they will loathe you, but shall not die. For Christ has promised eternal life for all who believe in His name. Keep in mind also that He has warned if you deny him before others, He will deny you before His heavenly Father. 

Jesus loves you, God bless. 

P.S Also please read Isaiah 43, the whole chapter!

When you pass through waters, I will be with you; through rivers, you shall not be swept away. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, nor will flames consume you. For I, the LORD, am your God, the Holy One of Israel, your savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3

My Brother’s Keeper

11 years ago as of the 17th, I would have first held my little brother in my arms for the first time. It was my 3rd sibling I had welcomed into the world, but my first brother, and I was much older so it was very memorable. I remember standing at the end of the hall waiting for them to bring him out of the OR. Finally, my dad came down the hall beaming with joy with the sweetest most precious baby I’d ever laid eyes on. My dad looked at me and said here hold him, and looking down at the tile floor and back at him I was terrified, like no way can you just trust a 10-year-old girl to hold something so fragile. But I held him, and instantly fell in love. Only moments ago he was in my mother’s womb, and now he was lying in my arms and from that day forth I was my brother’s keeper. I realized not only did my earthy father trust me to hold him and protect him, but so did my heavenly father.

But today the scariest thing is not the hard tile floor beneath him, it’s what lies beyond my control. My brother has outgrown my arms, but he has not outgrown my heart, and I still desire the very best for him, but I cannot protect him from this world. It breaks my heart to think he’s now at the average age of when a boy views pornography for the first time. 

Pornography is a sick thing that sucks the life out of so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ. The statistics are scary……


Our overly sexualized culture is breaking apart families and tearing apart what it means to be human. As Pope John Paul II says, it’s not that porn shows too much, it’s that it shows far too little. This world tells us that our bodies are the only thing we have to offer, but that is so far from the truth. We are to be loved body and soul, and we are so much more than the desires of our flesh. Pornography objectifies human beings, it takes someone made in the image and likeness of God and completely destroys it. Yet we think since it happens behind closed doors that it does not affect us, but that is such a lie. Just look at the standard women have for how they need to dress and act to feel loved, look at how commercials sell everything with sex, and how there’s such negativity wrapped around sex that it’s seen as something scandalous rather than something true, good, and beautiful. I could go on and on about why porn is evil, and how much it destroys our humanity, but I think we know that. I think most of us have seen with our own two eyes the effect porn has on us. But what we need to know is there is hope. We are not called to be slaves to despair, but rather children of God.

First, start praying that we can overcome our shame and our pride, and with humble hearts return to the Father. Let’s stop pretending we don’t see it. Let us be our brother’s keeper, let’s let the whole world know they are not alone. We are forgiven, and we have nothing left to boast, but the cross of our savior. Let us speak about our actions. Ladies, let’s call men higher, call them to the Lord, with our modesty we speak truth about the goodness and sacredness of the body. Temptation will always come knock and it will knock hard. The devil is prowling, but we are NOT alone. Together we will hold on to what we were made for, and strive to give Christ like love every single day. We will frequent the sacrament (especially confession and the Eucharist). We will cling to the rosary, and scourge the devil through our trust in the Blessed Mother’s intercession. No matter how many times we fall and mess up, we will keep on fighting.

“For God did not call us to impurity, but to Holiness”

1 Thessalonians 4:7

Are you going to answer that call?

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your sibling, for your future spouse, and for your future children. Do it for Christ who lives in them.

So to all my Brother’s in Christ (in particular my little hero back home),

I’m praying for you always. If you fall I hope you get right back and up and remember whose son you are. You belong to the one true King. And with every lady you see I hope you remember she is a beloved daughter of God, she’s a princess, treat her as such. I hope you remember you are never alone and I hope you remember you can always find Christ in the church, talk to your priest, find an accountability partner. Pray for the porn industry, and for the conversion of souls and remember this…

“”If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea”

Matthew 18:6

Basically Jesus wants to kick the devil’s butt, so don’t get in the way of that or you’ll go down with him. Keep up the good fight and remember God loves you recklessly. There’s a lot of doubt in my heart right now that this is even going to strike a single person’s heart, but I am going to go against that doubt and trust that Jesus has something in store. The devil is probably telling you no to give up and not even bother fighting this fight. I know he’s telling me that right now, but I also know I don’t belong to him I belong to God. And when I think about my brother and when I first held him in my arms, I remember this fight is worth fighting, because I am called to be my brother’s keeper, and so are you. I will not let the purity of my brothers and sisters be handed over to Satan when they were made for a Love so much greater. A love so great that in order to receive it we must completely empty ourselves of our worldly desires, and come to Him with arms wide open. He must increase, I must decrease.

Thank you so much for reading, and God bless!

Also would love your feedback, comments, and questions.


Too Busy to Care

300 years from now what will our descendants think? They will have so much information on us, it’s truly endless. But when they look back at what remains will they be able to explain what they find. Will it actually make sense? When they find more black babies were aborted than born each year in America, while we meanwhile claimed to be the generation that fights for equality. What will they conclude? Will they wonder why we argued over the best way to protect our soldiers while we completely ignored that there are more of them dying out on the home front from suicide than on the battlefield itself? What will they conclude from a society that clearly wants liberty and justice for all, yet is so divided on what that looks like? What will they say about those who screamed women’s rights, but only for the women who want to be exactly like men? Will they be able to piece together what led to the American dream to becoming a bunch of broken homes? Will they look at our posts and see our smiling faces and think we had it all? Will they wonder why billionaires died of drug overdoses? 

Who will be the heroes of our time? Who will be the brave who stood up for what’s right? I hope to God our descendants are not like the media of today who overlook who the true heroes of this generation are. Maybe it’s because they stand with God, or because they actually stand for what this country was founded on…. But the heroes of this era are hundreds of thousands of people who march for the respect and dignity of ALL human life, and the millions of others who stand behind them. There I said it. And to all of you out there fighting the fight, I love you. I know it’s hard to be hated, but I promise Heaven is worth it.

I’m not done though…..

Every story seems to focus on the villains and the heroes, but I’d like to take a moment to talk about the bystanders. The ones who were too busy to choose what side they were on so the world chose for them. The ones who walked right over the hopeless every single day, without an ounce of themselves to give. And what’s their overwhelmingly, disgusting excuse? “I’m too busy” 

Busy doing what?

They’re all in a rush to get nowhere, make another dollar, get another adrenaline rush, get another follow, another like, or earn some shiny gold medal. And you do all this for what? So you can go home and have sex with a screen instead of your spouse, so you can brag about your daughter on Facebook while she sits unknown to you in the other room crying because she feels like she’s never enough, so you can go on another vacation and scroll through your phones, or maybe cry alone in the night because you’ve come to realize that the rush of this world does nothing, but take. Then when it all fails you scream, “why, God? Why?” 

Then He looks upon with mercy and says, “where have you been? Don’t you know that I love you?”

To which one might look back and realize “I guess I was lost. I was too busy to notice the little graces, the good morning texts, the friendly coworker, the sunset in the traffic jams, the blue jay in my window, to notice how beautiful my family is. I was too busy to blame the good things on you, yet when my world is shaken I blame it all on you without hesitation. Who am I? Who have I become?”

Or for most people they won’t even bother to acknowledge God, they will open the door to blame Him and then swing it right back in His face. They will keep on being busy and pretending they are okay.

Each and every day God wishes to bestow so much grace into our hearts and to do good works through us, but we have forgotten. We have forgotten that we have a free will, a choice. And that choice has to be made every single day. To chose Him. To claim He is the way, the truth, and the life. Yet so many of us say “I’m busy”, I’ll take care of that when I have more time….. God gave you that time and what do you have to show for it. And I hate to burst your bubble, but nobody is too busy. Your life is full, yes, but busy is a choice. We all have 24 hours in a day and you choose how to use them. Your life is just go, go, go and it emptied you of everything except that last little piece of pride that says, “I don’t need God, I got this.” But don’t forget this. The Devil prowls like a roaring lion looking for souls to devour (1 peter 5:8). And we are called to resist him steadfast in faith. So start praying. And pray hard. Pray for the humility it takes to say Lord I need you. 

Yeah, there are millions of future saints out there, but God still wants you. He sees you. And unlike the world, He doesn’t love you for your looks, or your abilities, or to use you, or only when it’s convenient, or when you’re happy. No, He loves every square inch of you, body and soul. 

I know there’s some of you out there right now who are thinking, “well I would pray, but I never feel anything, or I never get anything out of it.” If you say that let me kindly point out that you are saying The Bible is a lie, and you are also missing the point. Let me show you. I am sure many of you have heard of Mother Theresa. The cute Holy lady that people remember because she was such a God-loving soul. Would you look at that woman and think she had any trouble praying? Well she did, she’s called the patron saint of darkness for a reason. She suffered from desolation, and for over 50 years felt no spiritual consolation or anything in prayer. Yet she committed herself to Christ. In those 50 years, she prayed for hours every day, and still served others and showed them the reckless love of God. Nobody else has ever recorded in their life such a long period of dryness in prayer. So if she can pray from the pit of darkness for years, you can pray too. Your life may be crazy and hectic, but what are you here for? What would you do differently if you knew your life ended tomorrow? I hate to tell you this, but even busy people at some point in time die. “Busy” people one day have to meet their maker and what’s their excuse then. “Sorry, God I was too busy”?

 So I leave you with this, start reading the bible every night, pray, keep his commandments and live out moral authority every single day. And KEEP the sabbath day holy folks, and stop putting false God’s like money and porn before Him. Wake up America, stop letting the devil take the innocent. Quit being hypocrites, quit saying tomorrow. Be His hands and be His feet. Be that someone who’s not to busy to tell someone “I am here for you.” If we continue to build up a culture of death, abortion will continue, sex trafficking will continue, child abuse will continue, anything violent and cruel will continue because guess what? When we stop caring for the human dignity of a single soul, we stop caring for any human soul, and when we stop seeing dignity in each other, we stop seeing the God who lives in them. We no longer will see the God who loved us so much that He died an agonizing death or the cross. We will run out of hope, faith, and love, and I don’t know about you, but that’s not a world I want to live in. The most important moments and right now and your death, do something because this world does not wait. You can fight for the culture of life or you can drown yourself in the culture of death, it’s your choice. God bless, and do not let your heart forget He loves you.

“I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me will be thrown out like a branch to wither; people will gather them and throw them into a fire and they will be burned.”

John 15:5-6


Loved into existence

Nobody has ever earned the right to exist. It’s impossible, for to earn anything one must exist. So prior to you existing, you had no dignity, no worth, nothing. Life itself and everything we are and ever will be is a gift. Loved into existence, conceived and bore form your mother’s womb, you have been chosen. That itself is a beautiful thing. Yet so often we forget that. The gift of our existence, and the joy of being called His beloved slips our minds because we become to “busy” existing. We forget who we are and what we were made for, and therefore we have forgotten our Father.

Fortunately for us God not only gives life, but he loves us enough to give us grace and mercy. Therefore we are able to return to Him and His arms will be wide open ready for a sweet embrace. Then what… did God make us just so we could fall and come running to Him…. Certainly not. No He made us for so much more than that, but to simply put it we were made for relationship with Him, and with others, so that all may know Him and all can be one with Him in His Kingdom.

This all either sounds super basic or super far fetched depending on where you are at in life. Either way though, think about this. An orchestra is not an orchestra without all of the instruments, and then even with all the instruments the volume does not increase unless the number of them increases. The orchestra led by their conductor can play the sweetest of songs, and the more they play the better they get. Then let’s say we take out the cello, and the violins, and slowly they fade to nothing, but a conductor. How sad it would be to no longer hear something so beautiful. That’s the church without you, one less instrument conducted, one less decibel reached, and one less person who’s to far away to hear of the song of the Lord’s glory and salvation. Each one of us is loved and chosen to spread the good news, that there is a place where all of our sorrows end, that there is hope, that you are loved.

I was recently in New York, and I’ll admit it I love people watching. So naturally I loved Times Square, even though it was a vastly different scene then a mid-western girl like me was used to. Being catholic I was also a huge fan of the statue of the priest. Besides my point though. My point is this. As I stood amidst the most populated city in the U.S, my mind began to wonder and think about how many of these people feel unseen, unloved, and unknown among all the millions of other people. How many of these people actually know their worth? How many of them know their loved? How many of them know what they deserve? Oh how I wish I could tell every single soul how much God loves them, and how he thirsts for them. Everyday around the world people rush to make another dollar, make another amazon purchase, fall in love, break up, take their first breath or maybe their last, yet how many of them turn to God in the stillness and the silence. When they do not know how to lift up their hearts to him, do they just crumble or become numb? Do they even know who they are?

Now I’m just one person, but I hope till the day I die I can live a life that glorifies Him and tells everyone I love that my redeemer lives. My hope and prayer is that we can all do that, because nobody earned their existence, but by love alone they do exist and therefore just as much as you and I they deserve to be loved. Now I will end with this. There was a prayer on the last column at ground zero in NY, from a priest by the name of Father Mychal who died on 9/11 giving people their last rites. The prayer read as follows: “Lord, Take me where you want me to go. Let me meet who you want me to meet. Tell me what you want me to say, and Keep me out of your way!” This prayer really touched me because it speaks the truth. If we want people to know their loved by God we need to be willing to be lead, and be willing to let go of ourselves completely. God loved you into existence, and He is calling you. Will you go?

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.

St. Augustine

Lead Me Blindly

The month of May is always a time of transition for me. School ends, new projects begin, jobs start, and by the time I scrape up the pieces of my heart it comes time to scatter it about again. It’s no wonder May is the month of Mary. I mean we need her all the time, but there’s something about a mother’s touch during a time of transition that just hits different.

    May seems to always have me caught between missing the past and fretting the future, especially this year. I find that even though things have slowed down and I’m not working anymore that time seems to slip right out of my hands. Like how is it already the 28th? I’ve written up 4 blogs over the past few weeks and haven’t published a single one. They either felt too bland or too much. Therefore I tried to focus on the important thing, my prayer life. Even though it felt like I was praying more than ever, it felt like I was praying less. Which leads me to my main point. We must surrender. We have to let go. Let God close the doors that you are wedging open. Let him open the doors you have boarded shut.

    When prayer comes from a place of fear it is weak. When prayer comes from a place of faith it is strong.  Fear makes us hyper focus on sin and mistakes, press the breaks when we should have hit the gas, and hide from a father who loves us. Worst of all fear takes us to a place of pride and we refuse to cry out. When we get to this place we will sit and thank God for the good things, obsess over our sins, become anxious, irritable. We will talk to God about the weather, but we refuse to just say, “God I’m scared”. How do I know? Because this is the valley I’ve stumbled in a lot lately. 

    Maybe not just stumbled, but crumbled. I’ve never had an anxiety attack before, but now I can say I have. I’ve read emails about leaving for NY and cried. I’ve said lots of goodbyes, passed the exit for the airport and cried. I have refused to tell my mom about little things because I didn’t want anyone to share in my heart ache. I knew that God wanted me to be happy. I knew God loved me, and even my family and friends. But I did not know that anyone cared to know that I was scared. Scared of leaving, scared of being forgotten, scared of not knowing what comes next. It was not like I had this one big eureka moment where God came in and crushed the serpent. It took all month, and will probably continue over these coming months. Why? Because this is my heart we are talking about here. Something God loves and cherishes. My heart is not a place that he sends to the quick fix clinic. He is gentle. He takes my heart and makes it new, with slow and gentle care. God knows I’m human. He knows I’m fragile, and in my frailty sometimes I forget that He is God.

    What I learned from all this is that there’s a difference between being scared, and living in fear. Being scared is a natural human reaction. Holiness does not prevent us from feeling our God given human emotions. Fear however is not God given. It’s man made, not God given. It’s equivalent to godlessness. For fear is the exact opposite of love, and God is love. Is He not?

Fear separates us from God. Like love it pushes and pulls on emotions (good or bad), but unlike love fear pulls us away. Whether it’s feelings of shame, happiness, excitement, anger, whatever it may be.  Fear says God doesn’t care. Fear says you’re alone. Fear says no one else feels this way. Fear asks you to be more, to be different. Love however, says God does care. Love says you’re not alone, and love meets you where you’re at. Love shatters the darkness and fills us rather than emptying us.

    I found that when I let go and admitted that I was scared that God gave me the exact consolation and graces I needed. Not only that but He pulled me out of the places of loneliness and pride. Which allowed me to be vulnerable with my loved ones. I realized they had the exact same fears. I realized as I shared these fears with God and others that they faded away. Not because I found a solution or a loophole. Rather they faded because perfect love casts out all fear. That perfect love is not us, it’s God. So let go my friends, and let God.

That’s all I really got for y’all, but I hope you can take something from it and really pray with it.

Peace and Blessings,


Nothing in Common with You

Trinidad March 2020

We are all probably familiar with the story of the woman at the well. But just in case ““There came a woman of Samaria to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food. The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans. Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.””

‭‭John‬ ‭4:7-10‬ 

Maybe you’ve done bible studies with that passage and broken apart the symbolism, or maybe you haven’t. Either way today I want you to focus on verse 9, “The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.”

‭‭As I was sitting here praying about the racism issues we face all around the world this verse came to mind. Some of you may want to just stop reading at this point, you’re tired of hearing it, but I encourage you to press on. 

For those of you who don’t know I am in my last week of student teaching at a high school in Omaha. This school is full of amazing students that I love wholeheartedly. Of those 2,000 + students about 60-70% are black. Growing up I went to a school that was probably 90% white. Though this high school is much different than my past experience I went in enthusiastic about it. Deep down though I had fears. What if I say something that comes across the wrong way? What if my lack of understanding gets in the way? 

Neither of those things happened, but I did find both myself and my students had underlying biases and stereotypes that we believed about ourselves and each other. I’ve had students say to me that if I ever got yelled at in school I’d probably cry because that’s what little white girls do, they ain’t  ‘tough’. 

Or when I taught them about melanin (instead of doing the basics for evolution and genetics), both the students and I learned so much about skin tone and it brought up a lot of conversations. I remember at one point during the unit I caught myself saying fair skinned instead of light skinned, and the students never said anything, but I hated that I said it and actually chose to correct myself for it. I’ve learned the best thing I can do is acknowledge these little things (assumptions or stereotypes) and have a conversation. It doesn’t make me racist if I have these underlying biases, it’s racist to feed into them and act on it. And it’s not doing anyone a favor if we don’t get them out of our heads once we find them. 

Doesn’t matter how nice of a person you are, if you’ve been exposed to society you have it in your depths. It’s like sun spots from the sun, we all have them even if you can’t see them. But what does it take to overcome these underlying beliefs we all have? 

It takes sharing your life with others. Read all the books you want, but until you acknowledge we are all humans and not little gold fish that you can read up on to learn how to care for you are never going to quite understand. Immerse yourself into a culture different then your own. Not so you can post about it on the Instagram or look good, but to have your heart touched in a way it hasn’t been touched before. Set yourself free to love more deeply. Because what that woman encountered at the well was so much more than the kindness of a Jew. She encountered the face of God Himself. And she was deeply moved by this, and stricken by His simple humanity. Totally stricken by the fact that he looked right past the woman everyone else saw, and gazed directly at her true identity. Looking at her as though he was looking in a mirror. Pointing out the fact she had five husbands was not to shame her, but rather to say, “Yes woman, I know what you’re ashamed of, but I still choose you.”

His look says I know who you think you are, but trust me I know who you really are. You are mine. It is you that I chose to share life with. Through this moment more than just water was shared. And I feel like this Gospel moment sums up my semester. Teachers in the building and even friends warned me that I’d probably be cursed at, see a fight, and that it was going to be tough. Those people were wrong and the only tough part is when a student doesn’t understand how much I love them, or the toughest thing will probably be leaving. I’ve shared my life with these students, they know that I go home and tell my mom how much they mean to me and how much she loves them too. They know I’m willing to talk about the tough things with an open heart. They know I’ll never know what it’s like to experience some of the things they have experienced. They also know despite what they believed previously that I’m not all that different from them. One day they decided to teach me about the process of getting dreads, and the next laughed about me and my cowgirl boots and how I shouldn’t wear them in the Bronx. They taught me that it’s disrespectful to use someone’s full gov (full name). And that I’m always gonna be just “Miss” to most of them, not Miss Olson. And I’m okay with that. And I’m proud to say my favorite kiddos in the world call me “Miss”. We spent several weeks learning about the biology behind skin color and the importance of learning it so that we can see the beautiful reasons why we are so different yet still the same in so many ways. I’ve noticed this growth in not only myself but in my kiddos as well. The first day we brought up melanin a few students made some border line comments. And I noticed quickly how they started comparing themselves saying things like “I’m black, but not that black” or “you are too light to be black bro.” I also noticed that none of them had any interest in careers and science and a lot of them believed the lie that science is a white people thing to study. 

But it was so cool to see their reactions to the scientific work of people they could identify with. I also loved seeing their answers on the test when I asked, “what is one interesting thing you learned?”

I got a ton of different answers, but many of them said that they found it so amazing how our bodies evolved different skin tones in order to survive in different geographic regions. They thought it was so cool that our bodies could do these things and then pass it down through generations. They were fascinated by the beautiful truth about the goodness of their bodies. 

My point is this world is lacking love, and it is deeply affecting our little ones. It affects what they believe about themselves, what they are capable of, and who they believe they are supposed to be. It affects the way they respond to others, it makes them have assumptions about what others think of them, and how they value themselves. I pray that you be part of the change. That you chose to imitate Christ. That YOU CHOOSE to go out of your way to not just learn, but experience. I pray that in a world full of hate, you chose to love. I forget what saint said it but in places where there is no love to be found, put love in it. We must stop choosing sides, and start choosing love. We must acknowledge that it’s real and that we have a bias, and do something about it. And the best thing you can do is love. Live life fully with others. Will their good. Fall in love with the beauty of Christ radiance that shines forth from the heart of every human soul.

My Humble Abode

    First off I feel the need to explain to all my readers and apologize to my mom if she finds this embarrassing. I want to say that I am very aware that there are people way worse off then I am. And I am grateful, but just like you I am selfish and prideful at times. 

Now I want you to take a long hard look at that picture above. (Shout out to Hannah for inspiring this recent thought in my prayer.) That picture above I took the other day as I sat on my back steps talking to Jesus.

 I said “Why am I so ashamed of my house? I should be grateful to have a house, but Jesus I hate my house. More than anything I hate our kitchen.” (Like it’s so ugly we got 3rd place in a ugly kitchen contest)

    Jesus responded with love like he always does and I felt very called to take a picture of the part of my house I hate the most. He told me I should look at it like I should the ugly parts of my heart and learn to love it. Often we get so caught up in covering up the parts of our life that show we are a failed god. We cover our poverty whether material, physical, or spiritual and put it out of everyone’s sight. We don’t want the world to know we are broken. 

    I look at that picture now and I no longer hear the roar of my pride saying to delete it. Jesus has come into this place where I feel like I’m lacking and he has shown me the beauty of it. I look at the side of that counter and the sharpie scribbles from when I was young. I see the little holes from where we used to take my dad’s hammer and play Bob the Builder. I see the cracks next to the door frame where my sister and I would pick at the crumbling drywall. I see scratch marks on the basement door from the dogs who wanted to come down stairs so they could curl up with me. I see the crystal door knob and it reminds of how the ones on the other doors used to fall out. It hurt if it fell on your foot, but made a satisfying sound as it rolled across the floor. I see a gap between the sideboard in the countertop because we moved it to install a dishwasher when I was like 10 or 12. It was so exciting at the time because I thought it meant I would never have to wash dishes again, but it turns out you still have to rinse them. I see old fashion key holes that my sister and I thought were so fun to peek through. I see a door that I used to be so quick to shut because I thought there were monsters downstairs. I see stains left behind from children who were lucky enough to have food in their fridge. Mom could have scrubbed them up, but instead she valued spending time with her kids. My parents could have done a lot to improve that kitchen, but a beautiful kitchen was never their priority. Loving their family was their priority.  Being at their games, concerts, paying for trips, club fees, putting food on the table that was their priority. And as I write this I want to cry. I see the happy faces drawn all over that board, and I think we were so happy. We were happy kids. God has shown me something beautiful in the most crummy crusty picture on my camera roll. So go ahead and think what you want. But I invite you to find the crummiest place in your life. Maybe it’s your house, your heart, your body, I don’t know, but let God speak into it. 

    Let the voice of God roar over the sound of your pride. Let him humble you so you can again find gratitude for what you have been given. You are a failed god, we all are. We aren’t rich, we aren’t perfect, but we are still so loved. Jesus Himself was born in a filthy stable. The King of all Kings was crusty and crumby, and died in agony, broken and bloody. But He was God, and he walked out of His grave. Literally conquering it all. Because what we lack is never what we needed, what we needed is to be loved radically by Him. To remember we are created and chosen, that we already have it all, long before you earn your first dollar.

No longer do I look at this picture and feel shame. I look at this picture and feel loved. I feel like my heart is accurately represented by this picture, already so loved and cherished by him. He gazes upon me and finds me worthy of his love, because at the end of the day there’s nothing wrong with poverty, but there’s something wrong with pride.

Jesus you are so good, help me to trust in you always. Help me to let you into the places where my pride has built shame. Amen

Relationship Advice for the Youth

Just this past Thursday I was talking to one of my students. For confidentiality purposes we will call him Daniel. Daniel is a student that I’ve really connected with this semester, and he often comes in and tells me about girls that are causing him trouble. We have this inside joke about DTR, which stands for “Define the relationship,” because Daniel always seemed to have girls who think they are more than just a friend. Because we have this little inside joke, I decided to tell him when I had to do some DTR of my own. 

I said “Hey Daniel, you know I went on a date the other day”

And he said “Oooo Miss, tell me more” So I told him about the date and he of course asked “Did you DTR” and I said “Yes, he asked me to be his girlfriend.”

“Well I’m happy for you Miss.” Then he paused and said “Wait, but you be going to the Bronx, soon. Is he going too?” 

“Nope he’ll stay here” I replied.

Looking cross he said “Miss how you gonna know he ain’t cheating?”

I smiled at him and said “You know Daniel that’s the thing. When you find somebody who’s is willing to value you as a whole person, and share common morals or values that’s not the kind of thing that crosses your mind as a concern.”

He looked down and then looked back up at me and said “I don’t got no good role models like that Miss. Would you believe me if I told you I’m one of ten kids”

 I nodded my head.

“Okay Miss, would you believe me if I told you I was one of fifteen?”

Shrugging my shoulders I said “Yes I would, let me guess they are mostly half siblings?” 

He cut me short and said “Every single one of them. I don’t have any full blood siblings”

“Miss this is my idea of relationships, they cheat and they end. But I am so happy to have you as my teacher Miss. You have given me a lot of good advice and you set a good example of how a relationship can be”

Then we talked more about door holding, and being a gentlemen. It was already 5 min after class at this point. So he headed out the door and looking back said “Make good choices Miss, be good and I’ll see you next week” 

Which is the exact thing I tell all my students as they walk out the door, Daniel always just likes to beat me to saying it. But I love that. I love that he is picking up on those little things, and imitating them with sincerity. It shows me as a teacher that he values these good things. 

I waved and said “I love you Daniel, and I’ll be good, but you better be good too.”

I share this little story with you because it highlights the reality of our culture. So many people do not have a role model to look up to for good relationships. Not even romantic ones, but just relationships with anyone in general. Our culture waves utilitarian relationships in the air like they are actually going to make you happy. Then people who are living in true happy relationships are hidden from the worlds eyes, for reasons I don’t know of. I think part of it is our culture does not want to accept the fact that people CAN be happy while being physically and emotionally chaste.
I watched a video this week called relationship memes and it created a heart breaking image. It’s not that these people were “loving” too much, rather they were loving to little. In one clip captioned “When bae says he’s having a guys night” the girl was spraying her perfume all over his groin and neck area. In another it said “First time watching netflix together” and showed people about to you know what, then it said “After one year” and they were chomping down snacks, with eyes glued to the TV screen, not even sitting next to each other”

I sat there and thought how sad. How sad is it that you have to mark your territory and you can’t actually trust him? And the places you’re spraying with perfume tell me that you think he values sex more than he values you. And in all honesty you have every good reason to think that. The other clip was just as sad. First time together and you take all you can get, and get tired of it one year later? If only you knew the depth and beauty of the soul you are spending time with it. One year in and you’ve seriously gotten bored of what they have to offer. Like ugh, there’s so much more to both of you. But you’re okay just engulfing in pleasures of food and entertainment, and acting like that other person isn’t even there. You just exist in each others lives for pleasure.

I look at these memes and get sad. My students and many other young people look at it and think that’s just  how it’s supposed to be. They have no idea that there’s so much more to love. So they settle for relationships like this. And I can tell you from experience it doesn’t lead to happiness. In fact you feel more lonely in those relationships, then you did back when you scrolled past them on instagram wishing it could be you. Ladies and Gents have some standards and don’t settle. Because you are so precious in His eyes and you deserve to be with someone who values all of you, every square inch of your body and soul. And to my readers who are already very aware of that truth, get out there and speak it. And not only speak it, but live it, because young people like Daniel need to know what’s good. No cap. 😉 

May the love of Christ be with you all this Easter season.

“Do Exactly as He Tells You”

Do you ever have those moments in life where you know that your heart will not be at peace until you do what you know is right? (Even when the right choice does not make the other choice necessarily wrong) Do you have those moments after you made that right choice where your heart aches a little? And then that ache of your emotions makes you wonder if you made the right choice. Or maybe there’s a time where you had to move on and let go of a really great community? I think we all have had these moments, and these moments are hard. These moments call us to act not on our emotions, but purely on faith alone. It calls us to trust so deeply.  At times you feel like you’re being led blindly, but you have to grasp tightly to the truth of God’s goodness and that His plans are for you even when it does not feel like it.

Sometimes God makes us let go of good things. Not because He wants less for us, but rather more. We were made for more than just temporary comforts. Honestly for me letting go of good harmless things is hard. I struggle a lot. I constantly ask myself “Did God really say that?” or “Am I really making the right choice?” Then my emotions start to trigger doubt, and my mind floods with thoughts, and I can’t see Him or hear His voice. What always brings me back to my feet is solid advice from my old spiritual director. She told me, “In the face of despair do not make changes.” In fact it reminds me of a painting I did for my cross country coach in high school. In the painting was a runner and there was a quote across the top that read “Pain is only the devil tempting you to give up.” And it’s true. Let’s just be aware of the spiritual reality here. The devil wants your soul so badly, and nothing is more pure in love and holiness then choosing the selfless option. So when God calls us to let go of someone or something that is hard to let go of, the devil is going to attack you. He loses his grip because he is incapable of going through an act of humility with you. I mean look at Mary. She constantly made these decisions, and she did it so well, but her heart was pierced because just like us she was human. Letting go of who she loved the most for the greater good hurt her. 

I think a great thing to meditate on in these moments is not only the crucifixion, or the annunciation, but rather the wedding feast at Cana. At the wedding feast in Cana we see Mary and Jesus’ hearts shine with humility. Mary in this moment is recognizing another’s need, and calls it to her sons attention. To which he responds “Woman, how does this concern me?” Which reveals that what she is asking for is so much more than wine. I mean Jesus could have just gone in secret and turned the water into wine, but He didn’t. In fact He didn’t just go do it Himself at all. No! He worked a miracle through the most lowly people in the room, the servants. And hold onto those servants for a second, I’ll come back to that. Now back to Mary, she’s not just asking for more wine, she is asking her son to reveal Himself. She is basically telling Jesus I love you and I know you, and I know that these people need you. But in order to serve them I know I must let you go. And Jesus is so aware of this, in fact He tells her, “My hour has not yet come.” And I could go on about that, but I’ll leave that as a good meditation point for prayer. Just meditate on the internal conversion going on between the most pure hearts the world has ever held during this moment.

Okay back to the servants, why them? Everything mentioned in scripture is intentional. So think about it. These servants were there to serve. They weren’t there for a good time, no they were there to make sure everyone else was catered to. Jesus reveals Himself to them, the meek and humble of heart. And Mary is part of this too, for she intentionally turns to the servants and says “Do exactly as He tells you”. And notice Jesus doesn’t just make a little wine, but an over abundance. And even the headwaiter notes that it is far superior then the first. This passage is so rich in symbolism, but the point I’m trying to make here is this. If we are meek and humble, and stay close to Jesus and Mary we will be satisfied. Like these servants, if we are willing to be obedient God will work miracles through us. We will be asked to let go or run out of good things, but the Lord has a finer wine in store for us. When we drink of His cup our joy will be made complete. But it’s not going to be easy. 

There are times where are emotions are going to tug our hearts.Good things are hard to let go of.  But Like Father Gabe told me once “If you have to chose between two good things chose the selfless option.” If you’re heart aches that’s okay. Feelings affect our gut and mind, but our heart is in sync with love. Which I will tell you time and time again is a choice, not a mere feeling. 

And know this. When you feel that ache know Our blessed Mother is near and is tending to your aid. For she is close to those who humble themselves for the sake of her son. She empathizes with those who mourn and grieve, because she above all others knows well what it’s like to give up the greatest gift the world has ever received. And she knows well that it is worth it.

 P.S. I know my thoughts kind of jump all over a little bit and don’t paint a full picture, but I invite you to take the part that struck your heart and go pray with it. I feel like it’s best to leave it open so you can take what you need and pray with it.

Intimacy with the Father

    Can I be real with y’all? I mean I’m always real with y’all, but I just want to show you something raw. I love writing these blogs, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I just have so much on my heart and it starts to burn, or I try to touch on a subject that unexpectedly opens a wound I did not know I had and I’ll sit in prayer for hours over the course of weeks thinking of how to put into words what the Lord is putting on my heart, only to have a blank paper or something written up that I decide to never publish. It’s a humbling reminder of the intimate relationship I am called to have with the Father. He makes it so clear to my heart that He loves me, and the things He gives me in prayer are for me. My heart is like a little garden that He tends, and I love to trim a few roses for y’all, but the entire garden is not mine to give. Now, sometimes I am able to share parts of my prayer with y’all which is great, and other times not. It’s not that these things are too sensitive or private, but rather I have realized that the Father sometimes leaves me clueless as to what I should write because He knows that my human heart is fragile. If I gave everything between Him and me away that wouldn’t be love. That would be use. That would be like an unchaste love, where everything given is shared for pleasure. I don’t write blogs for pleasure, nor does the Father speak to me just so I can write blogs for His pleasure. 

    I can’t imagine the overwhelming identity crisis I would have if the Father did not constantly remind my heart of this truth. If I were to root my identity in walking across America, writing blogs, or writing books, even if it was all for Him, my heart would be so empty and broken. My garden would be a bare patch of dirt. I would be incapable of coming to the Father when I need His mercy, and I would not be able to look at my past self and find her worthy of the Father’s love. I say this, yet sometimes I really struggle with it. I struggle to see how the Father loves me as I am, and I think we all do and will continue to. That’s why I know I’m just as desperate and broken as the worst sinner. I need God. All the time, good moments and bad, I need Him. I need His love and to be constantly reminded that His love is for me. He does not love me for your sake, He loves me for my own sake. And the same goes for you. But our hearts struggle with a love that pure; our hearts just can’t comprehend the depth and magnitude of a love so great.

    Thankfully we don’t have to explain it, we just have to receive it. We need only to be still and let God be God. Like the thief crucified next to Christ who recognized Him as the Messiah, we need to let Jesus gaze upon our face. We need to give Him permission to remember who we are. So often we want the bad parts of us to be forgotten, or certain parts of us to disappear, but God desires our entirety, because He loves us. He really truly loves us and that sounds so cliché, but the reality is we forget that. And when we forget that, we forget who we are. It’s just like the scene in The Lion King, where Mufassa appears to Simba and says, “My son, you have forgotten me.” And Simba denies it, but Mufassa says, “You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me.” Because Simba has forgotten his sonship, he has left behind his inheritance. And why did he do all that? Because he feels that the wrong he has done deemed him no longer worthy to be king, no longer worthy to be loved. 

    We have this same wound. We can do all the good we want, live life like we have no worries, but the Father knows. The Father notices that you’ve withdrawn yourself. Now it’s time we let love draw us home. Sorry, Nala is not gonna come for you this time, but a love much more deep and pure. Sometimes a fear of not being able to explain ourselves or have an excuse holds us back from that and that’s why I want to close with one story to paint a better image.

Before I even started writing this blog Jesus asked me what moment in your life painted a clear picture of who a good father is? And I quickly knew that exact moment. I was probably about 4 years old. My Dad was kicked back in his recliner, and I laid pressed against his chest. I was in a funk, couldn’t tell you why. I wasn’t sleeping, but I might as well could have been. I didn’t join my dad in watching TV, I just laid there. I remember feeling safe in his arms. I remember over the course of an hour laying there as the neighbor boy came and knocked three different times asking if I would come out and play. I refused and my dad would gently tell him “Maybe later Dallas, Mikayla just doesn’t want to play right now. I did not have a rhyme or reason to just lay there, I just knew I was upset, but being held is all that I remember and that it felt good. My dad held me not because I deserved it, but because he loved me. He didn’t ask me a million questions or complain that his arm was going numb or that he was getting hot. No, he just held me and loved me just as I was. He vouched for me to the neighbor boy so that I didn’t have to explain the hurt I didn’t have words for. The fact that I can’t even remember why I was in such a funk tells me that most of the reason I continued to sit there with my dad is because I just wanted to be loved; to just be still and receive a love so pure and innocent. It’s a scene I often return to in prayer because it’s a moment of my life that spoke so much truth into my heart. My hope is that you have a similar moment that you can pray with, a moment where you felt loved and protected. Because it’s moments like these that remind us who we are. We are sons and daughters of the one true King, and we are loved more than we could ever know.


Link above will take you to my book

Inside Out

In the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort, and independence, there lies a great danger. A danger in the fact that people start to close their hearts and become selfish. In a society like this, people are incapable of authentic joy because they become incapable of having any kind of relationship.

God made us for relationship. A relationship with Him and others. His greatest commandment is to love Him with all your heart, mind and soul. And His second commands is to love one another as He has loved us. This becomes difficult in a society that is hyper fixated on pleasure, comfort, and independence. A society like this is comparable to a game of Hungry Hungry Hippo. People grasp and grasp at what they think will satisfy them. But their stomach for pleasure is like a bottomless pit. They pride themselves in taking their fill and not having to rely on others. They console themselves with the comforts of this world. The numbers of views, likes, swipes and follows tells them they’ll never be alone, but in reality they’ve never been so lonely. 

Instead of crying out, they lather themselves in pleasure. Smothering every square inch of their body and soul. They lather themselves in layers so thick that they can’t feel how naked they are. 

How does one set himself apart from this? Where can one find freedom from the idols they serve? 

They must encounter the one true King. And one must continue to encounter Him again and again. One must clear their table of all idols and come to the feast. They must come to the supper of the lamb.

For alas they can have their fill in one bite. For the bread that He breaks is true food and His wine true drink. For this is His flesh and blood, His body and soul, which He has given up for you, an undeserving recipient. He lays down His life for you to show you the true authentic love you were made for. He turns you from your inwardness by entering into you. He unfolds the coils of your heart. He enters into the darkest places and illuminates our hearts with an abundance of radiant blessings. He takes all that has been turned inward outward. He teaches the selfish how to be selfless. With Him, all that is done can be undone. For the King of all Kings is making all things new. 

Ugh Why Did I Do That?

PC: Hannah Ousley

This Friday my students and I got to talking, and at one point I said something about how I like working with high school kids and how I really liked working at this school. Instantly the entire class was repulsed. “Why us?” 

“Wouldn’t you rather work with little kids?”

“You have a biology degree, and you use it to be with us?”

I replied “Yes I genuinely love you guys, and I like being your teacher”

Another kid replies “But we ain’t good kids”

Others added on saying “Yeah we fight, we don’t do our work, and we ain’t smart”

Then I told them that I saw their goodness, and yeah you all are not perfect, but that does not change the fact that I still want what’s best for you and for you to succeed. 

As I reflected on this it was another one of those moments where my students have taught me about the immense love of the Father. I look at these students, some who refuse to do their work, and the rest  have to fight tooth and nail to convince them to do their assignment. Yet I love them. I love them a lot. I find myself tearing up over the things that they have going on in their lives, excited to see them again, and sad to have to leave them at the end of the semester. Even the ones who have basically told me to screw off, I still find myself fighting for their good.

Does Christ  not do the same for me? No matter how bad I am, He looks at me and sees what is good. Even when I hurt him and betray him, He still wants me. He still loves me. Yet just like those kids I find myself saying, but why me? Especially in those moments where I let pride tell me I’m past falling into the same sins. I find myself believing the lies of a toxic conversion culture that says “You found Jesus, you’re a leader, you’re not allowed to make those mistakes anymore”

And I know I’m not the only one who falls for this. I’m not the only one who struggles to be patient with myself. I’m not the only one striving, but expecting perfection. I’m not the only one who battles in their head with the thoughts of well if I just did this or wasn’t so this then I wouldn’t do that. The problem with this mindset is it focuses on you being the solution and not Christ. It builds up this toxic attitude that I have to carry my cross on my own, I have to do everything on my own. Jesus is to busy, or would be too burdened to hear that I have fallen again. 

This my friends is the voice of pride. The voice that sounds like it’s building you up, when really it’s tearing you down. And it leaves you feeling stupid and inadequate. Like you’re not enough, that you are not worth loving. Yet somehow it let’s us believe that we are so close to Christ, so close that we would literally follow him unto death. When in reality it pushes us away from Christ. Our pride prevents us from even giving Him even a fragment of our cross. He can hold and cherish every other part of us, but not our cross.

It reminds me of St. Peter. He loved Jesus, and Jesus loved Him. Peter was given the keys to heaven, and he is considered the first pope. He lead men back to Christ, and now he is a Saint in heaven where his love is united to our Lord’s forever. Yet let me remind you that Peter biggest fall happened after his conversion. After he left his livelihood behind, after he saw Christ transfigured before him, and over and over said “Truly you are the Messiah.” The fall happened after, and not once, but three times. And Jesus even knew He was going to do it. He told Peter that before the cock crows you will deny me three times. Imagine Jesus looking at you right now, and saying hey I know you love me, but you will deny me three times. Not just once, but three times. In your heart you think no I won’t. I’m strong and I love you. But yet just like Peter who stood there warming himself over the fire while Christ took a beating, we deny him. We jump into these small pools of self pleasure and we deny Him. As wrong as it is to deny Christ, it’s worse to continue to deny Him by not accepting his love and mercy. When Peter denied Jesus, Jesus continued His journey to calvary. He didn’t quit because one of His best friends denied Him. No he fought for him and died for him, along with each and everyone of us. Why?

Because even though, we think we are bad, and don’t do the work we should. He still loves us and that will never change. Forgive yourself and turn to Him with arms open wide.

(If this is something you really struggle with I strongly recommend mediating on John 21:7-25) 


Fun fact about me is I never weigh myself. Yes I get weighed at the doctors office, but it’s in kg and I just don’t pay attention to what it says anyways. Why am I telling you this? Because you my friend are more than just numbers on a scale. I quit weighing myself because I got tired of feeling confident only to be insulted by the numbers. I did the same thing with pant sizes, I stopped comparing myself to the sizes I could fit into in high school, and chose to embrace the pants that fit. Or when I’m running for fun I stopped measuring the distance and time. I did this because I wanted to be free of depending upon a number to be happy.

Now maybe the size of your jeans has never mattered to you, nor the numbers on the scale, or how fast you could run but I’m sure there’s a number you are obsessed with. There’s some number that you are constantly measuring and comparing yourself to. Maybe it’s the money in your bank account, the amount of likes she got on her post, the followers, the views, the overwhelming odds, the grades. Or maybe it’s a number you didn’t even notice you were tracking, a number that is not exact, but you can make a rough estimate. Like the number of times you’ve been hurt by someone, how many times you’ve fallen into the same sin, or the number of times you’ve been left behind. There  is a number in your life that you let speak a little too loudly. A number that you have let identify you. A number that you let label you as unlovable, stupid, fat, ugly, unwanted, annoying. 

My friends you were made for so much more than that. You were made in the image of likeness of God. And you can not put a number on a creation that is made in the image of likeness of God. You can’t put a number on a soul that the Lord Himself died for. So I want you to take that number to prayer. And say in the name of Jesus this number does not define me. This number is no longer going to weigh me down, wager in on my decisions, and get in the way of being the Saint  I am called to be. Because there’s is no number out there that is not outweighed by the love and mercy of God.

Whether it’s the number on the scale or the number of times you’ve made the same mistake, turn away and look to Him. Sinning repeatedly or stuffing your face with doughnuts are not good, but we do not need to let that number prevent us from fully trusting in Christ and receiving what He has in store. His heart aches at just the thought of his beloved children refusing to run towards Heaven because they have let a number label them.

He says “Don’t you trust me? You were made for so much more than this. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice you slip out the back? You are more than just a number to me”

Are you going to let a number stop you from being numbered among the Saints in Heaven. The Lord has promised you joy not only in the next life, but also in this life, even amongst the suffering and pain.Joy is to be found, and there’s no time like the present to seek it. Let go of the numbers and let yourself be outweighed by His overabundant love and mercy. Because you my friend are worth it.

P.S. Thanks for reading first off. Secondly sorry it’s kind of brief, but I have some bolder blogs in the making plus a book. So cats out of the bag I am working on book number two! Any guesses as to what it’s about?

If you haven’t checked out my first book check out the link below

What about rape?

Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR on Pexels.com

Rape is such a taboo subject unless it comes to arguing about abortion. Rape is an intrinsic evil that is not justifiable in any case. It is an invasive act of violence that leaves lasting scars. Most victims never come forward about it, even in an era that seems to empower both male and female victims to come forward. 

Now in cases where a child is conceived, many women seek an abortion. I still believe that in any circumstance abortion is wrong, but I understand why women in that situation would choose that option. It rids her of ever having to face talking about that moment she was raped, that moment she reasonably would love to be able to forget. It allows her to escape the risk of having to be shamed, not listened to, or not believed. That to me does not sound like women empowerment. That sounds to me like she is hurt. And to take a woman who has been through a traumatic act of violence, and then make her go through another one does not seem helpful to me at all. I believe that abortion in cases of rape puts the focus on the unborn child rather than the mother. It makes pregnancy the only problem in this situation, it blankets over the wounds of the woman who wished she did not have to go through either of these situations. 

If our society truly loved women, then any victim would be confident that she could walk into a hospital and get the actual help she needed. By confident, I do not mean happy and acting like she is okay. By confident, I mean that she knows she will get help, just like someone with a broken leg is confident they are in the right place when they enter a healthcare facility. We can not take away their pain, but proper ethical care standards can give them confidence and hope. 

Now what does that look like? Contrary to what oppositionist would have you believe, the Catholic church states that any victim of rape has the right to defend her body from conception. She has the right to take medication to prevent ovulation or to sperm capacitation, or fertilization. However the church does not allow for the destruction or interference of an already fertilized ovum. Note this is only allowed in instances of sexual assault/rape. 

The focus of the patient’s care cannot be preventing pregnancy. Any healthcare professional would say to start with the most crucial wounds, but few think of the mental wounds. Remarkably in accord with the Ethical and Religious Directives for Catholic Health Care Services (no. 36), “the care for the rape victim has four aspects: First, she must receive spiritual and psychological support and counseling to help her deal with the trauma of the attack. Such support and counseling will probably continue for some time after the immediate period.” Notice how the first thing is to embrace and care for the woman and her well being. That, to me, sounds a lot more empowering. Yet many health care facilities and abortion clinics immediately want to focus on giving you a morning-after pill and sending you on your way. Good medical help will also work with local authority to collect evidence in order to prosecute the rapist. This is phase three in treating a rape victim according to Ethical and Religious Directives for Catholic Health Care Services (no. 36). (to read the phases in more detail, follow this link: https://www.catholiceducation.org/en/culture/catholic-contributions/ethical-treatment-after-rape.html). Abortion facilities don’t provide that, nor can they considering that you have to be pretty far past conception to be getting an abortion. The evidence needed is gone.

If we want a society to stand up for victims of rape, then we need to get rid of the blanket of abortion. Weeds don’t go away unless we pull them up by their roots. Abortion is not the problem here, rape is. It’s not her fault. But when the treatment focuses solely on tampering with the nature of her body, it certainly makes it seem like it is. The focus should be on her mental trauma and healing, along with helping her defend her body before conception occurs. It should be that easy to get help, but when we have people who say, “well then everyone is just going to claim they were raped” we put barriers in the way of these victims. When every woman starts to cry rape, we can talk about it. Right now, that does not seem to be the case. Right now, we need to focus on empowering these women instead of letting the privileged get away with it. Until we start listening to women instead of telling them to man up, women will never walk in with the confidence that their story is believable. Enough is enough.

Rape is wrong. And until our society is dedicated to persecuting these criminals no matter who they are and how much money they have, women don’t stand a chance. Our society offers abortion as a way out, keeping the voices of so many victims silent. We care too much about not ruining one’s reputation, and way too little about ruining someone’s life. Abortion, pornagraphy, sex trafficking, “sex sells”, and everything hypersexual about our culture blankets rape. “Well she asked for it wearing that,” “Well she is a sex worker,” “If it was rape why did she not get help before seeking abortion” and all those other statements are what victims are having to hear, and they shouldn’t have to. It does not matter who she is or what she was wearing, it’s still rape. But if we keep buying into the porn then will never unveil the truth. When we live in a society where it is easier to convict someone of murder than rape, there an issue. Especially when dealing with rape we have a living victim who can tell us in most cases exactly who it was. Pro-woman means believing her cry. It means no more porn because she is not an object. She is not an it. Her reproductive parts are not the problem, they are a gift. Child molesters, pimps, those who blackmail women for sex, porn addicts, and anyone who feeds into the sex sells agenda- they are the problem!! Her body – her choice, right? But when your job, money, and livelihood are on the line, that doesn’t seem like a choice to me. That still sounds to me just like rape. So please tell me again how you care so much about rape victims? Women who have already been through enough trauma, how is abortion their best option? Seems to me they never had a choice. She did not want to be raped, she did not want to conceive. So please tell me what her choices were? Please tell me how you have fought for women’s rights? A woman should never have to submit her body to get a promotion, pay the bills, that’s coercion. If you want equal pay, stop investing in sex, and start investing in her. Because she is worth a whole lot more than pleasure. She is a human with dignity. She is the epiphany of creation and should be treated as such. People can put words in my mouth all they want, but I will not stop fighting for the dignity of all lives. Born and unborn. Male and female.