The month of May is always a time of transition for me. School ends, new projects begin, jobs start, and by the time I scrape up the pieces of my heart it comes time to scatter it about again. It’s no wonder May is the month of Mary. I mean we need her all the time, but there’s something about a mother’s touch during a time of transition that just hits different.
May seems to always have me caught between missing the past and fretting the future, especially this year. I find that even though things have slowed down and I’m not working anymore that time seems to slip right out of my hands. Like how is it already the 28th? I’ve written up 4 blogs over the past few weeks and haven’t published a single one. They either felt too bland or too much. Therefore I tried to focus on the important thing, my prayer life. Even though it felt like I was praying more than ever, it felt like I was praying less. Which leads me to my main point. We must surrender. We have to let go. Let God close the doors that you are wedging open. Let him open the doors you have boarded shut.
When prayer comes from a place of fear it is weak. When prayer comes from a place of faith it is strong. Fear makes us hyper focus on sin and mistakes, press the breaks when we should have hit the gas, and hide from a father who loves us. Worst of all fear takes us to a place of pride and we refuse to cry out. When we get to this place we will sit and thank God for the good things, obsess over our sins, become anxious, irritable. We will talk to God about the weather, but we refuse to just say, “God I’m scared”. How do I know? Because this is the valley I’ve stumbled in a lot lately.
Maybe not just stumbled, but crumbled. I’ve never had an anxiety attack before, but now I can say I have. I’ve read emails about leaving for NY and cried. I’ve said lots of goodbyes, passed the exit for the airport and cried. I have refused to tell my mom about little things because I didn’t want anyone to share in my heart ache. I knew that God wanted me to be happy. I knew God loved me, and even my family and friends. But I did not know that anyone cared to know that I was scared. Scared of leaving, scared of being forgotten, scared of not knowing what comes next. It was not like I had this one big eureka moment where God came in and crushed the serpent. It took all month, and will probably continue over these coming months. Why? Because this is my heart we are talking about here. Something God loves and cherishes. My heart is not a place that he sends to the quick fix clinic. He is gentle. He takes my heart and makes it new, with slow and gentle care. God knows I’m human. He knows I’m fragile, and in my frailty sometimes I forget that He is God.
What I learned from all this is that there’s a difference between being scared, and living in fear. Being scared is a natural human reaction. Holiness does not prevent us from feeling our God given human emotions. Fear however is not God given. It’s man made, not God given. It’s equivalent to godlessness. For fear is the exact opposite of love, and God is love. Is He not?
Fear separates us from God. Like love it pushes and pulls on emotions (good or bad), but unlike love fear pulls us away. Whether it’s feelings of shame, happiness, excitement, anger, whatever it may be. Fear says God doesn’t care. Fear says you’re alone. Fear says no one else feels this way. Fear asks you to be more, to be different. Love however, says God does care. Love says you’re not alone, and love meets you where you’re at. Love shatters the darkness and fills us rather than emptying us.
I found that when I let go and admitted that I was scared that God gave me the exact consolation and graces I needed. Not only that but He pulled me out of the places of loneliness and pride. Which allowed me to be vulnerable with my loved ones. I realized they had the exact same fears. I realized as I shared these fears with God and others that they faded away. Not because I found a solution or a loophole. Rather they faded because perfect love casts out all fear. That perfect love is not us, it’s God. So let go my friends, and let God.
That’s all I really got for y’all, but I hope you can take something from it and really pray with it.
Peace and Blessings,